Cocoon

I lied on the soulless floor lost in thought of how i managed to come this far in the first place, my eyes were fixed on the ceiling that is black enough to be used as a school board. In matter of days this would become my cottage, I would have to come back here every night and leave from here every morning to wherever i would need to go to. This apartment and all its shabby cohorts would become mine too, I would eat, bathe, sing and reflect right in here.  If i could choose, i mean if i had the absolute liberty and that includes having the pecuniary means, i know i wouldn't ban myself into a desolate hutch right in the heart of the city where technocrats and art aficionado sojourn regardless of their chosen professions.

But now that i have got a place to lay my head just right in the world i covet, it's up to me to work hard and smart to fit in and sustain it. I lied on the floor because the janitor liked my smiles; my smiles would probably have afforded me a rug and TV if the janitor wasn't just who she was. Was i going to pay my subsequent bills with a smile or smile to get food in the restaurants and in the foodstuffs store? They said i was the best graduating student yet they left me to float, like an origami boat who would soon be absorbed by the very water it sails on, without a job. I thought i was their pride and they wouldn't hurt it. Only if they had truly cared. What a shame!

So i met this guy , an high school mate, who gave me this email and i sent in my CV. "Just send the CV alone" - That was his reply when i asked for the job vacancies they had in the company he claimed to be working in. So i couldn't choose or feign to choose my own profession even at the level of submission of CV. I thought i was supposed to know if the vacancy suits my career choice before applying. I remember they told us in secondary school to do at least one thing every day that would advance our future career, so when we close from school every day, my uncle who was also a teacher arrogated the burden of reading my report on " what have i gained today ? " to himself. So he practically scraped all the muck that my monotonous composition contained. I went through that torturous exercise every day for years. Now, to think that i have to open the trash can and just dump all these beautiful training i have received from school and home is just excruciating to me. I'm supposed to be a "thinker", a self-supervisory adult and a counselor to my siblings. Instead I've chosen to concede to the despairing id in me who'd always go with the default. What a shame!

What are your goals and objectives? Where do you see yourself in five years? What’s your ideal career path? All these questions and more moved me to tears when i sat back in my shanty; thinking about how i had obscured my mind, twisted and distorted my own dreams, aspiration and goals right before my own mind and head just to earn a "nod" from the capitalist seated right opposite me. He knew i knew nothing about what he invited me for, He also knew that i just needed the money, saw high level of intelligence in me, probably  loved the way i tweaked my expressions and tailored my sentences to align my career aspirations to a job i knew nothing about until two days before  my interview with him. He probably found me stupid too for the ludicrous gut to abandon my own goals, which i had nurtured all my life, in just a few minutes. But that would probably favor him, now that he had to become the pilot of my new chosen delta wing and had automatically earned my loyalty for a long period at least all through the flight. What a shame! I had not only chosen to do a plethora of things every day that would distance me from my initial goal and aspirations, but i had also consciously decided to rob myself of happiness, freedom and, ultimately, fulfillment.

I wake up every morning hurrying to work, only waiting for the days to fly by but instead they choose to creep. I pay huge attention to the job so i could escape the wrath of my boss whose visit could only be more painful on my so-called emolument. My colleagues and i work for money! Really? He, our padrone, gets his benefits: we know our job and we do it real well! But do we exactly get the money we came looking for? - Let’s look at this way, do we eat well? – Yes, when we first got the job. Do we have savings – “I don't think so”.  What! But i hope there are no debts - erm... actually Debt had been affable enough to stay with us every month and even makes us invite or look forward to seeing her every month. So do you think we get the money?

Yes, but we have three weeks annual leave and 12 days sick leave, Health welfare and pension- starting from the last one, we're still young (YOYO) so "we aren’t getting pension yet, we don't need it!"

 Health welfare - they called it HMO, Health Maintenance Organization; well, they failed to maintain my friend's health when he had typhoid; alibi: his name was not on the list the company sent. Bob and Alice got their names too missed out, i didn't try because i don't like hospitals; anyway, they didn't assign any to me , i just had the card for ... I don't know what other reason apart from "Man I've got an HMO card”.  Must i really address this annual leave thingy? - wouldn't i just have become a scold with all these whining? NO! I don't think so, I’m just inking it all out!'

Sincerely ,I think i need to ask for forgiveness each time i whine, for my friend , who works elsewhere, has got nothing like a leave or HMO - working or not -  she has never heard of it and she thinks my office is an Eldorado. She doesn't even dream of having two days off from work let alone an almighty three weeks of annual leave.  Gratitude might just be all i need, i was not forced to take that job or abandon my own goals for what i didn't believe in. I settled for just "Money”, way less than what i wanted, so i got less than i settled for. In as much as i would love the condition of people who find themselves in such jobs to be improved with better salary and welfare package, i assign all responsibilities and raps to myself and nobody else. For, if i was busy following my dreams, NO! Chasing my dreams, i would have more than just money, one that is probably devoid of debts. I would also experience Job satisfaction through career development and personal growth, Job delight for every time i learn another amazing thing or i receive another career pivotal training. Somehow the money would just be enough, even more than enough for i would be grateful and as they say, you can find all the happiness you want in gratitude. Hmmm...the next time i feel really unhappy, I’ll pick up my check list and search my wallet to see if i have my grateful adjective ticked and if i haven't dropped gratitude anywhere along the line in this beautiful journey of mine.

Dear Career, I'm sorry i betrayed you; i apologize for my inconsistencies, regret all of my inaction in your favor, it would never happen again. I give up on all my fantasies and unite with the reality of you my career. I will allow your cocoon to press the fluid in my body to my wings, so that the egg containing my future that was laid by mother eagle will not fall from a vertiginous altitude and roll into the squalid nest of a hen. Yours Sincerely, Me.